Emotional Intelligence in a Digital World

Emotional Intelligence in a Digital World

I’m fascinated by Emotional Intelligence vs IQ. Your IQ can be sky-high, but your EQ horrendously low. Or your IQ can be average but your EQ exceptionally high. The big question that flows from the IQ vs EQ debate, which one do you need to be successful in the corporate world?

The first person who jumps to my mind that had a genius level IQ but horrible social skills, is Steve Jobs. If you’ve seen the movie about his life, one of your reactions might be “what a jerk”. Yet the corporate world sees him as highly successful.

Another highly successful person who seems to me on the other side of the scale, is Richard Branson. Did you know that he’s dyslexic? His IQ might be closer to normal, but his EQ is most definitely high.

Why the hype about Emotional Intelligence?

The dictionary definition of the concept is “the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.”

EQ is your ability to identify your own emotions, as well as the emotions of other people. This skill helps you to label your feelings correctly and to use your EQ to interpret the emotional info you collect and to then act in an emotionally appropriate way.

There are four key elements that make up emotional intelligence:

  • Self-awareness
  • Self-management
  • Social awareness (empathy)
  • Relationship management

The term dates back to 1964, it was first used in a research paper by Michael Beldoch. Dan Goleman introduced it into mainstream society in 1996 after writing a book on the topic.

It is speculated that your EQ is not set in stone, unlike the notion that you are born with a certain IQ and you’re stuck with it your whole life. Through the right training and enhancing your self-awareness, you can build up your EQ and become more socially aware.

Can emotional cues be transferred into the Digital World?

One of the main focus points of your emotional intelligence, is to gather information from your surroundings – the context of a conversation, your own emotional reaction as well as the reaction of other people you are dealing with.

While typing an email, how do you convey that you are smiling or frowning so that the other person knows your reaction to their words? Dan Goleman makes the statement “there is no channel for emotions with email.”

The famous positive and negative smiley faces, :-) and :-(, were created in 1982 by Scott Fahlman, a computer scientist. In 1999 the first emoji was created in Japan by Shigetaka Kurita. Emoticons are very handy while typing a WhatsApp to a friend, but it is not a very professional form of communication. Even inserting a smiley face into your business correspondence, can be seen as unprofessional and offensive to some people.

While typing a business email you are stuck with the possibility of the other person misinterpreting your tone of voice. Needless to say, trying to be sarcastic while typing an email, is not advisable. A neutral statement sent via email, could be interpreted as cold or even as cruel. The negativity bias comes into play, which means that basically someone will first assume the worst before they give you the benefit of the doubt that your words weren’t meant to be hurtful.

One of the basic things not to do when typing an email IS TO USE ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. It is an unwritten social rule that if you do this, you are shouting. Example,

Hi John,

Could you please send through those reports we talked about yesterday?

Thank you,
Amy

vs.

HI JOHN,

COULD YOU PLEASE SEND THROUGH THOSE REPORTS WE TALKED ABOUT YESTERDAY?

THANK YOU,
AMY

The second option will immediately put the email recipient on the defensive and you will most probably receive a harsh reply.

Dan Goleman has noted an interesting thing that occurs with digital communication, he calls it “flaming” – that moment when someone immediately lashes out at the other person who sent the email or text message, without first taking a moment to cool down and think things through.

In the example above, if John didn’t take a moment to think things through, reasoning with himself “maybe Amy doesn’t know that it’s quite rude to send an email in all caps”, or “shame, she’s been under a lot of pressure, I’m sure she doesn’t mean to take it out on me”, he will most probably send her an email that will start a snowball of harsh emails between them.

Technology offers you the ability to instantly interact with someone, even if they are sitting on the other side of the world. Goleman sees flaming as a form of “emotional hijack”, the moment when your reasoning flies out the window and you react impulsively, out of anger, which you will most likely regret later.

When flaming occurs your brain circuits that should block the impulse to instantly respond, fails to stop you. The reason why this is so much more prevalent with digital communication, is that in a face-to-face interaction you are more likely to not respond so harshly because of the direct feedback from the other person in front of you.

Goleman calls it “cyber-disinhibition”, you can’t channel your emotions online, you’re just staring at flat words on a screen and you are only hearing them in your own head, meaning that you choose to interpret the tone in a subjective manner.

SEL or Social and Emotional Learning becomes much more important in the online world. You need to be in touch with your self-awareness to notice when you are becoming angry or defensive. If you continue to indulge in over-reacting to emails before thinking things through, you will be strengthening your negative neural circuitry. You need to remember that you can resist the impulses, even while you’re staring at your computer screen and not a human face.

Can excessive access to technology make you less emotionally intelligent?

When was the last time you had a conversation with someone, without grabbing your phone when you heard some or other notification sound? When was the last time you went a whole twenty-four hours without checking your phone? WhatsApp, emails, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn – digital technology has become an integral part of our daily lives.

It’s almost as if we have forgotten that we are still in charge of our own lives, not the little device that seemingly controls everything. In a digital world you now have three people in a conversation: you, a computer or phone screen and the other person. One would hope that the screen enhances the conversation by expanding your social reach, but often it makes a conversation much more strained.

Even when talking on a telephone, you can gauge a lot of emotional feedback from the other person’s voice. You can also make a statement and immediately get a reaction, correcting the person if they misinterpret what you’ve said. When you are sending an email or even posting on Twitter, interpretation is open for discussion and you can’t control how people react to your words.

In the digital age, people are spending progressively more time in isolation with technology. Face-to-face interactions are becoming less and less. You can be an online freelance worker in South Africa with clients in America, England and Australia. Nowadays you can be working for a boss you’ve never even met in person, your only correspondence being emails.

Goleman believes that the human brain is designed to learn emotional interaction lessons in daily life, while interacting with other people. Being stuck behind your computer all day without any human interaction is not ideal, your EQ skill levels could start deteriorating if you don’t keep yourself emotionally in tune.

I think we know by now that the saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is not true. Words are very powerful. The advances in technology also means that your words have eternal power. Once you send something into cyber space, it is forever out there. One google search and an old Twitter fight can be recalled within seconds, or a business dispute settled by checking an email conversation string.

How does Emotional Intelligence fit into the Digital World?

A core concept of Emotional Intelligence is that you have to take responsibility for your own emotional reactions. Together with this, you need to think about how your words will affect others. To incorporate this into digital communication, you need to think twice before responding to an email or Facebook post.

If you receive an infuriating email, if possible, type your response but wait for a few hours before you send it. Before sending the email, read it over again and decide if you’ve responded in the most emotionally appropriate way.  The beauty of digital communication is that you can put the proverbial guard in front of your mouth and think twice before responding.

If you want to learn more about emotional intelligence and how to enhance your EQ, please feel free to contact us to find out about our training courses, admin@metatrans.co.za

Source: interview with Dan Goleman on amplify.com